So there I sat...in the gym or cafeteria...I really don't know where I was...but, it was in the middle school...in this HUGE school..listening to all the choices that sat before me....well actually Hunter. There was a team of faculty that told me over and over how wonderful it was there and how exciting next year would be for "me and my middle schooler"! Me and my middles schooler.....???? Who were they talking to? I didn't, couldn't possibly have a child old enough to be entering middle school and I really didn't want to.......how in the world did I even get here. It was hard for me to even listen..in fact, I am not sure I really did. I took a few notes...I got up and rotated throughout the school everytime I heard the chime and did just as I was told...the whole time seeing their lips moving...but, all the while wondering...why am I here....HOW.....am I here.....already. I choked back tears several times...and then felt a little sick to my stomach. When the evening was over...I knew just enough to go home and report the necessary info to Hunter...but, I just could not wrap my arms around this at all. This would be the beginning of a wide range of emotions that still consume me. I burst into tears the next day while running my daily routines...and that has not stopped ....
It seems silly to say where did the years go....we all know that life flies by, our kids grow too quickly....but, wow...I guess I didn't think it could happen to me. I thought that was something the grown ups in my life always said about me. Here I am about to have a middle schooler. I don't want a middle schooler...a new school...a big school....with tons of kids I don't know. I don't want new parents, new friends for Hunter....I want my nice little Elementary School...where I know everyone and they all know me. I want to know what is going on every minute of his day...and I don't want change. I have come to decide that time flying, my babies growing up and change...stink! How did I get to this point???
Everyday I wonder...have I done enough? Did I do it well enough? Does he feel close enough to come to us if he is has a problem or is faced with peer pressure? What will he do? Is he strong enough to stand up to those kids, those issues? Why does he have to see what's out there...there isn't much that is all that great anyway. I cannot answer all these questions...and I will have to hope and pray....lots of praying on all of these. I DO know...that he is smart, strong and we have done a good job thus far. I know that there are very few times that I am not proud of his choices, words and behavior. I know that I like his friends and that I am pleased with who he surrounds himself with and the things they bring out in one another.I know that I will get to know his new friends and hope that he clings to the old ones. I will continue to pry, snoop and beg parents to keep me informed of any scoop they know about Hunter. I know that I am scared to death to raise him as well as my other babies in this world that I think is pretty messed up and scary but, I will do my best and pray!!!
I know that I will likely....just like many other Mother's continue to cry daily about my baby growing up. I know it doesn't help but, it does make me feel better. I know that parenting Hunter as he grows up looks a little different than what I have done in the past and that is a challenge for me. I want him to communicate with me and know that even though my answer may still be "no"...things are open for discussion... I want him to respect me as his Mother but, keep me close as he does his friends. I will cringe when I tell him that "one day he WILL understand and that I am really not stupid"....oh, I hated when my parents said that to me. That I will be there to wipe his tears when disappointments strike and be the first one to celebrate his sucesses.
And most of all...I will love him no matter what!
I wonder if he knows how scared I am? I wonder if he knows I want to scoop him up and rewind the last 11 years and start over. That I already realize where I went wrong...and things I would do differently...there are not that many but, there are some. I wonder if he knows that even though I am hard on him and have high expectations for him ...that I look around him and that I do see what an exceptional human being he is...and that I am so very proud of him!
Ahhhh.....my baby boy....a middle schooler.....who has signed up to play the trumpet in the band at Renner Middle School.
Love to all,
J
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It's even WORSE when they head to Shepton or set out for the first time, by themselves, behnd the wheel of a car. You know this already, but Hunter will succeed beyond your wildest expectations and the pride you feel now will continue to grow exponentially as he gets to teen years. It really is awesome. Debi Means
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