Remembering a friend...

July 1st will never be just July 1st to me again. It will forever be the day my sweet friend lost her 5 month old baby boy. I will never forget standing in my front yard when I got that phone call to deliver the news. I remember the turn on my stomach and the scream that flew out of my mouth. The look on my boys faces that were standing near me. I will never forget how even though I heard the words clearly...I was so confused. I kept asking to have the details repeated ....I just didn't understand. I remember hanging up the phone and immediately dialing my friend Tracy on her cell phone and I just came right out and asked her...."Is it true? How can this be true? Tracy....what happened?". In retrospect...I am a bit surprised that I never even hesitated in calling her...and perhaps it would have been more appropriate to have given her space....waited until she called me....
It was a reflex and before I knew it she was explaining every horrid detail...trying herself to piece together the events that led up to this tragic moment. Every word that came out of her mouth, every twist of the story broke my heart into a million more pieces.

I have written about my friend before, about her baby Nash, about her husband Brad, big brother Tate...and now little brother Knox. You all know them. I wonder sometimes about that day....the fact that she saw it was me calling and answered the phone...that she answered every question I had and gave me all the details....that I don't think I had any idea ...at least not the way I do now...what an amazing woman she is....

I had a friend in her and would have told you a good friend in her....and yet I didn't know her strength, her faith, her heart....not the way I do now. I didn't watch her with her children the way I do now...I didn't pay attention to every time her babies make her smile...not like I do now. I wouldn't say I didn't appreciate her before....because I think I did....but, now...I am in awe of her. I have such admiration for her as a woman, a mother and a wife. I watch her make it through everyday and somehow she still smiles. I know there are times when she doesn't smile and she carries around so much heartache but....she does it with so much grace and faith you almost think she is healed.

As a Mother...I know that could never happen. No Mother fully heals over the loss of their child. They never forget and never stop missing them. Honestly, I don't know how she even gets up in the morning. But, somehow she does....and she does it remarkably.

Nash makes me wonder about heaven ....what it's like....how things work there. I know that he will forever be innocent and happy and full of peace. A peace that he could never quite find here on earth. But, for just a moment...I hope that God treats him to the maturity to understand the exceptional girl that God chose to be his Mother. That Nash can see her strength, her faith and her perseverance. That he could fully understand that she lives her life, gets up everyday and fights her way through on the love she has for him, the memories she carries with her and the hope in the peace that he has now found in heaven. Every Mother wants their children to grow to appreciate them and to appreciate the sacrifices we make for them everyday. Tracy prays that Nash knows how much she loved him....and I have no doubt that Nash felt very loved. All of Tracy and Brad's children feel the love of their parents. But, this time I pray that God shows Tracy that Nash knows....he knows how she loved and wanted him, how she would have done anything to change these circumstances, his comfort level and would have given anything to be with him in his time of need. But, that she would have never changed having him to spare herself the heartache of losing him. I pray that Tracy knows that Nash can see clearly the remarkable Mother Tracy was to him while he was here and all her efforts to continue to be that kind of Mother to him in his absence.

Dearest Baby Nash, you have a Mother that makes me want to be better. That inspires all who know her to cherish the gift of a child, to have faith in things that we cannot see nor understand. Your Mommy makes us smile, cry and she makes us love our babies even more than we already do. She does all of that for you....because of you. You were a gift given to her for just a short time but, look at the profound and ongoing effect you have in all of our lives. So, sweet little guy...keep a good watch over us and make sure that you let her know when you are smiling down on her.

And for the rest of my friends, be thankful that Tracy was blessed to have experienced the miracle of Nash, even though it was just for five short months and continue to remember him and pray for her comfort. I am truly thankful I have received the gift of knowing her and her friendship.

xoxoxo
Love to all,
J